january 15, 2014

hey grandmama,

its been awhile. exactly five years today since the last time we hung out and talked. five years. a whole lot can happen in that amount of time, you know. although, where you are, that's no time at all. I bet you're having a blast. man, I wish I could have seen your reunion with granddaddy. bet y'all are both having a blast.

I guess I've changed since you left. being fourteen is different, very different, from being nineteen. its weird though, because I still feel the same. things never really change on the inside. I'm still the same old Jen, and I guess I always will be.

remember your strand of pearls that you left me? I gave them to Moms for her birthday a couple of years ago. she's always wanted some and I knew it would make you happy. I can still wear them if I want to. thanks for giving them to me, by the way. and my china. its packed away at Mimi's house for safe-keeping. I can't wait to get it out and in my kitchen cabinets someday.

I got a guitar for my birthday last month. its a Seagull Entourage Grand Rustic. its a beauty. I can play it so-so. I'm nothing spectacular. I wish you could hear me play it. I hope they have guitars in heaven. me and Thomas can jam together. I'm just teaching myself and Thomas helps me out when I need it.
I had to quit piano lessons in late 2012. I took a break because Thomas and Becca got married in September 2012, and when I was ready to go back, Mrs. Cuttino had gotten sick. she has Alzheimer's and Mr. Cuttino eventually had to put her into a home. I miss her a lot. she reminded me of you, except she was a lot more scatter-brained. hahaha. I love that woman. you were right when you said that time that she opened me up and let the talent out.

I still play...maybe not as often...and its not the same anymore. I've always loved it, but at the same time, its an emotional thing now. I write my own music. its an escape I guess. kind of like writing stories.

speaking of writing stories, I'm writing a book about you and granddaddy. its historical fiction because I didn't know enough facts for it to be a biography. I honestly have had so many questions while writing. Uncle Bob and Aunt Berta have helped me out as much as they can. and one day I went to Double Heads Baptist Church and sat on the ledge like you did the day after you got married. why in the world did granddaddy call you Dutchy in his letters? just curious.

Michael and Heather got married in 2011, and they're pretty awesome together. Heather brings out the best in Michael. you'd be proud. him and Thomas work together now, saving windows and roofs everywhere. haha. oh and I'm an aunt now. his name's Zeke and he came in April 2012. he's the best. you would have loved him. he has so much personality and he's smart as a whip. they all say that he's just like Michael was as a baby.

I went to Slovakia last summer. it was life-changing. I spent twelve days telling people about Jesus and how much he loves them. I told a group of gypsies about you, about how much you loved Jesus and us. I'm going back this summer, and then I'm going to Romania. I can't wait. I'm quite the world-traveler.

I never really got to say goodbye to you. maybe its best that way. I was a wreck after you left. I felt guilty, I thought that somehow it was my fault. I wish we could go back and do it over again. I'm know that you wouldn't want me to go through that. I'm sorry for being angry at myself and you and God. I'm cool now though. I quit listening to Satan's lies.

I miss you though, every single day, and I can't wait to see you again.

love you.
Jen

on being single (a different kinda post)

can I just be honest with y'all for a minute? I can just see you grinning, maybe even shaking your head and saying, "when are you ever not honest, Jen?" very true.

okay then. so here's the deal........

being single is hard. 

let's just not water it down or try to make light of it. it. is. hard. 

it's lots of loneliness, and being sad when you watch certain movies or see cute couples going on dates and being in love, and it's lots of wishing and dreaming and praying and hurting and it's a lot of tears. am I right? 

I feel like we are taught that we are sinning if we are honestly just depressed by our singleness. can I tell you something? feeling lonely is not a sin. let me say that again...

FEELING LONELY IS NOT A SIN.  

wanting a guy to be your best friend and sing to you and play with your hair and call you to tell you he loves you and give you hugs and buy you food and just be there for you is not. wrong. it's not. 

please read this:

"Then the Lord God said, 'it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.'

...he made it into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, 'this at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.'

therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."

do you know why you were created? do you know why women were created? we were created to be a helper to a man. a helper to our man. not just any man. a special man. the man he has for you. how could it be a sin to long to be what we were created to be? 

let me tell you, I have spent countless nights, crying, simply because I'm "single." I've fallen silent in conversations because someone started talking about how great their boy is, and I don't know who my boy is. I've said "oh, I'm single" in answer to that awful question people ask. those two words, I'm single, are like a knife in the heart sometimes, aren't they? I've watched my friends fall in love with great guys and be so so happy and I've been happy for them, but at the same time, wished it was me. I've gotten angry at God because (direct quote from my journal) "where the heck is MY guy??" I've watched my brothers with their wives and thought how lucky my sisters-in-law are, because they're married to their best friend. and you know what?

I'm not watering this down. 

being single is hard. it hurts. it's just not easy. 

so why? why aren't you in a relationship? why hasn't that guy pursued you? why do you not have a guy? what's wrong? why why why?

now, read this, because there is hope:

“When I passed by you again and saw you, behold, you were at the age for love, and I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness; I made my vow to you and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Lord God, and you became mine." (Ezekiel 16:8 ESV)

wondering what the heck that has to do with anything? let me explain:

one night I was really struggling with being alone and just pouring that out to Jesus. I grabbed my bible and randomly opened it and looked at Ezekiel 16:8. and it spoke to me. 

"behold, you were at the age for love..."

God is not sitting there, just chilling, not caring about our lives. he cares so much. he cares so ridiculously much that he crushed his own son for us. he is watching, and darling, when you are at the age for love, love will come to you.  it won't hold back, it won't run away, it won't be like your 5th grade crush. it will be beautiful. it will make your heart pound and your eyes water just thinking about how good God is. 

someday...maybe this week, maybe later on this year, maybe 5-6 years down the road...he knows. he cares. and he loves you so much. 

"For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly." (Psalm 84:11 ESV)

he doesn't hold back when he gives to us. if he would give his own son, then you better believe that he'll send you a guy to sweep you off your feet.

don't give up, girl. don't lose hope. keep smiling. because someday is coming and it's gonna be pretty doggone amazing. 

"I might have to wait, I'll never give up

I guess it's half timing, and the other halfs luck.
wherever you are, whenever it's right

you'll come outta nowhere and into my life

and I know that we can be so amazing

and being in your life is gonna change me

and now I can see every single possibility

and someday I know that it'll all turn out

you'll make me work so we can work to work it out and
I promise you, kid, I'll give so much more than I get

I just haven't met you yet."

Haven't Met You Yet~Michael Bublé

(do yourself a favor and go listen to Dear No One by Tori Kelly. it fits this post really well).

love you. 

christmas

it's funny, as I sit in the back seat of Moms' car, heading into town for last minute errands and then a church service on this Christmas Eve, I feel so content. content is one word that you don't usually use to describe this girl. I always want something else or want to do something bigger or go somewhere...and it's easy to get caught up in that. 

but honestly, as I think about it, I am so incredibly happy.

 I'm happy that tomorrow is Christmas Day. I'm happy that all my family will be together tomorrow. I'm happy that God has blessed us so much this year. I'm thankful that he never leaves or forsakes his children. 

this year, remember that no matter what your circumstances, Jesus loves you. he loves you so so much. 

"the King of kings salvation brings, let loving hearts enthrone him." 

happy Christmas, friends. 

nineteenth birthday

my nineteenth birthday started off with my parents serenading me while I tried to get just five more minutes of sleep. having your birthday on a Sunday is a wee bit lame because you actually have to get up and go somewhere. but I love church so it's all good.

                  sleepy 19 year old 

anyway. I got up and ate bacon for breakfast (bacon=extreme happiness) and drank hot tea. i wore a maxi dress and a blue sweater and some brown boots and tied my white headscarf from Slovakia around my head and we headed to church. 

we went to my oldest brother's church that morning (Eden Village) because he was preaching. it was nice to hear Michael preach on my birthday. then we headed to get drinks from Wilco (which for the record is a very nice place). 

we felt a little disloyal towards Parker's but oh well. we ate lunch and drove the hour home. 

when we got home I changed into my favorite black skinny jeans and hopped in Daddy's truck because he wanted me to go look for his dogs with him. (side note: Daddy hunts and he uses dogs. so he lets the dogs out, they run the deer, the deer approach a stand and someone shoots the deer. but then the dogs have to be rounded up and sometimes they don't come home for a few days...and sometimes an alligator enjoys a good meal...just so you know what I'm talking about here). 

usually, going to look for a dog will be a 30-45 minute process...

3 hours later and Dad and I were still sitting in the woods with him sporadically calling the dog and me needing to use the bathroom. it all had clicked that Moms just wanted me out of the house for some unknown reason. 

finally we went home. Thomas and some of the boys were standing in the front yard when we got there. we parked around back, and I told Dad I was gonna walk around front. I did, but the yard was empty, so I awkwardly stood outside, not knowing whether I was wanted inside or not. (it was awkward). 

after a couple of minutes, I was allowed in. I walked into the living room and immediately felt like I was on display. everyone (my parents, seven younger siblings, thomas and Becca) sat there just looking at me. I went and sat down in the only empty seat and said, "uh hi."

daddy brought me a big box that was almost as tall as me. the label said: to Jennifer; from Mom, Dad, Thomas and Becca. I unwrapped it (and I don't believe in saving wrapping paper so it was a quick process) and opened the top. I reached in and pulled out my present. 

a Seagull Entourage Grand Rustic. the most beautiful guitar I've ever played. I looked at it for a few minutes and then hugged Dad and Thomas and Becca and then started sobbing. I hugged Moms while I cried. 

you know from my last post that this has been a rough year for me. the guitar was just another sign of just how much my family loves me. it was all Thomas' idea. he wanted me to have a Seagull and he made sure it happened. 

the day finished up with a video chat with my bestie and supper at my grandparents. 

my 19th birthday was definitely one for the books. 

        and Becca brought me flowers. 

so, here's to the last year of my teens. 

goodbye eighteen

I'm turning nineteen tomorrow. I'm leaving eighteen behind. and honestly, it makes me sad and I have cried about it.

so much has happened over the past year since I turned eighteen. the first few months of being eighteen were the absolute worst months of my life. I cried so much in those first few months, over personal issues, family issues, church issues. issues that no one outside of my immediate family knows about. issues that I couldn't tell other people about and issues that I didn't want to tell other people about. 

but then, when June came along, life got a hundred and eighty times better. in fact, the whole year got better. and I wouldn't change my eighteenth year for anything. because all those tears and rough days taught me lessons that I won't forget. 

they taught me to forgive, to move on, to depend on Jesus when others let you down. they taught me that my family loves me way more than I ever realized, that they will stand by me when the whole world is throwing stones. and honestly, it was worth it. 

bye, eighteen. thanks for the lessons. for the trip to slovakia. for the friendships formed. for the hours worth of good music. for the hugs. for the laughs. for the money made. for the delicious food. for the time spent with my favorite people.

thanks for being better than i had ever imagined.

loving every single day

you know something? i think we tend to get caught up in the "big moments" of our life. the days that grab us and shake things up. we focus on those, tell others about those, and take pictures of those. 

but you know what God is teaching me? to love every single moment of every single day. 

to love the way my hair feels after deep conditioning it. 

to love the silly pictures i take with thomas. 

to love my silly siblings who dress up as Ladybug and Yoda. 

to love Sunday afternoons spent bike riding and laying on blankets in the sun. 

to love the time that I get to spend with baby Zeke. 

to love a good cup of hot tea. 

to love watching our football team. 

to love how much he loves me. 

to love this big crazy family of mine. 

to love every single day. 

and yeah, I get that it's not always easy. but friend, Jesus died on a cross for you. when we start taking what Jesus did for us for granted is when we become unhappy. just think about how precious you are to him and that will help you love every single day. 

love you. 

a post from the sis

[call me absolutely crazy...but my sis is guest-posting for me today...and she cut me ZERO slack. like, this is real, y'all. to be honest when I first read it, I was like, 'you expect me to publish that???' but, we all know how I want to be honest on this little blog. so here goes absolutely nothing...]


Hi there! My name is Jessie and I am Jennifer's little sister. I can't believe I am actually doing a post on her blog. Anyway, I am supposed to be telling you my point of view of the Slovakia trip. (Oh boy)      Oh yeah, that’s me :)  But I really wear glasses. (Jen here. she had a different picture here but I took it out and put this one in. hehehe) 

   

  So one night we were in the living room and Mom sprung the most absurd idea ever on Jennifer. It was epic y'all. I think Jennifer might have already gone through all that jazz, I am not much on details. Anyway the gist was that Mom thought Jennifer should go to Slovakia and Jennifer was totally against the whole thing. I thought mom was crazy. So yeah.

    
After awhile Jennifer was convinced and she said she would go. Then a little while later she started to get excited about it, and let me tell you, when she gets started on something she keeps on talking about it and talking about it. As it drew close I was ready for her to go just so I wouldn't have to hear about it anymore. Everyone was over reacting in my eyes. Mom cried some and all the kids just flocked around her. I was disgusted. (I have a fairly hard heart). I told them that it wasn't like she was going away for forever.

   

 The day came. Everyone was hugging her and Jake wouldn't stop crying. I was on my bed in our bedroom reading. She walked up to our door and said, "Well we are leaving." I looked up and waved and then went back to my book. She looked me for a little while then asked, "Is that it? We aren't going to hug or anything?"  I sighed and stood up, when we hugged I burst into tears. (horror of horrors) She kinda laughed at me and walked out. I just sat on my bed and cried. But like I said I have a hard heart and about forty-five seconds after she walked out the door I went in the living room and said, "Put in the 'Get Smarts'! (one of our favorite tv shows) 

   
  I have to admit I was in paradise while she was gone. I was the oldest girl, had my own room and was not getting bossed around. I didn't really miss her. Okay I did miss her one tiny bit. 

We texted or voxed every night. I loved having my own room. I could listen to what I wanted and do what I wanted. And I have always liked Jennifer but it was still nice.

    

Then it was time for her to come home. I was sooooo excited. I couldn't wait to tell her everything that happened while she was gone. 

Boy was I in for a shock. 

When she got home she was emotional and mean. She kept telling us to leave her alone and that we were all so annoying. Mom had said that we should give her grace but heck, she could forget that. I got really mad at her. She was always talking about how amazing that place was and how they let her have a little privacy. Everything here was like dirt compared to the same things in Slovakia. It got to the point when she would say, "I wish I was in Slovakia"!  I would retort "I wish you were to so I wouldn't have to listen to you"! Have any of y'all ever spent a few weeks with a grizzly bear? DON'T!!! 

(Jennifer here: um. yeah all that is incredibly true. I cried every day for like 2-3 weeks. I was grumpy and basically hated my life. it was rough). 

So that was how that was. Interesting. We are going to go through this again next year. But now I am looking forward to the cookie jar she is bringing me back which just happens to be red! (My favorite color.)

Now we are back to our normal weird, crazy, happy selves.

(blog owner here: I can't believe I published this. honestly). 

have a happy Monday!