emotions on my skin

i always talk about wanting to be real and
raw and vulnerable on social media and here on
my blog.
i want to be relate-able. 
i want to help people by being open and honest.

and i always think i'm doing a good job
and then i had this conversation the other day
and realized i'm actually doing
a really crappy job.

it started out with the usual,
"so, how are you doing?"
and i said...
"not too good actually."
and they said...
"from your instagram and facebook posts
i thought you were fine!"

yeah.
i realized that for all my talk about
being open and honest, i'm not doing
so hot.
like, at all.

there's a dead giveaway for me.
you don't see it, and that person didn't see it
but i see it.

that birthmark on my hand.
i used to hate it.
oddly enough, it only ever seemed
to show up when i was extremely nervous
or cold.

now, it shows up when i'm cold,
nervous, or especially worried, sad, anxious or
upset.
so basically, it's my emotions on my skin.

that birthmark has been extremely visible for
the past month-ish.
and it hasn't been because i'm nervous or cold.

it's because life is hard.
it's because i have cried a lot.
it's because i've said things like "can
i run away from home now?"
it's because i've been so ridiculously angry.
it's because i have hardcore questioned God.
it's because i have been sad and tired.

and those are the things i should be sharing.
those are the things i want to share.
yeah, there's nothing wrong with a selfie because i'm having
a good hair day, or pictures of my coffee,
or sunset pictures with quotes (i love quotes, y'all).
but those aren't the posts that are going to
encourage or be relate-able.
those aren't the posts that will help you be open
and honest with me.

so here's the truth:
my name is Jennifer Noel Mole.
i'm 20 years old and i
have cried almost every day since March 6th.
i haven't slept through the night in weeks.
i have yelled a lot.
at myself. at others. at God.
i've locked myself away and not wanted to let anyone in
because i don't want to risk getting
hurt.

and that's my life.
yeah, i still have good hair days.
and i get coffee pretty often.
and i smile sometimes.
but i also hurt,
and i want you to know that.
and if you're hurting, too, i'm here for you.

"so this is my life, and i want you to know that i am
both happy and sad;
and i'm still trying to figure out
how that could be."

(please know that this isn't a cry for pity
or sympathy, because i don't
need that. really.
i just want you to know where i
am, and maybe it'll help you realize that
it's okay to hurt.
maybe it'll help you open up and share, too.
and if you want to share with me,
please do. email me at
betterthatway@gmail.com and i'll
listen to you. promise).