the hobbit, birthdays, christmas and other things

Hi! I pinky promise that I haven't forgotten about this here blog of mine. In fact, it has been very much on my mind lately. I've been thinking about writing and why I write and what I want to write about and when to write and all those fine details lately. I've come to a couple of conclusions that I'll share with you some time soon.

on to the past two weeks in review:

Tuesday, December 11th: we performed our annual Christmas program. I wrote a song about Mary and my siblings performed everything from James Taylor's Jingle Bells to The Jackson 5's Santa Claus Is Coming to Town.

That night we also celebrated mine and Michael's birthdays! Michael was born December 16th, and mine is the 15th. So we always celebrate together. It's special to me that our birthdays are close together.
I was given all my birthday presents that night. I. was. shocked. They gave me a 3 day trip to Savannah, GA with Mom!! We left on a Sunday (December 16th) after church, drove the hour to get there and stayed til Tuesday. Those three days involved: a photo shoot with a dear friend, Starbucks date with Becca, Barnes and Noble, Catholic church tour, more Starbucks, watching all of Gone With the Wind, lunch with Heather and baby Zeke, attending Catholic Mass, and then going to surprise Becca at the coffee shop she works at. It was so much fun. And I took minimum pictures. ;) sorry.

Friday, December 14th: Dad, Michael, Heather, Jamie and I went to see The Hobbit. Okay. Let's just say I was blown away. I'm a Lord of the Rings/The Hobbit fanatic. I have read the books several times, written a ballad based on the LOTR books, written music to one of J.R.R. Tolkien's poems...yeah, it runs deep. I was so nervous when the movie was starting, and, let's just be honest here, I cried. Yes I did. It was an amazing movie.

Saturday, December 15th: I turned 18. Enough said.

Sunday through Tuesday: (16th-18th) in Savannah

and then Saturday, December 22nd: saw the Hobbit again with three friends. It was so much fun. Then went Goodwill shopping with one of the friends. We had a blast. :) (Em, we definitely have to do it again!)

And then Christmas. And now here I am. Ready to get back to normal life. Ready to start writing again!

Have a great weekend, friends, and I'll see you soon!! :)

 

thoughts on God's sweet love, fulfillment and finding yourself

God is good, friends. His love is so sweet. A dear friend of mine put it this way: "Weddings are sweet, but marriage is sweeter. Marriage is sweet, but Christ is sweeter still. Keep seeking and treasuring Him." I loved her words. We get so caught up in the moments of everyday life that we often miss out on who God is and what He has for us. My life has been like that lately. 

I've been caught up in a situation in my life. Caught up in making things happen, caught up in what I wanted and how I could get it. So caught up that I wasn't allowing God to work in me and through me. So caught up that I was missing on something sweet: His plan for me!

It's so easy to (conveniently) forget about His plan when we have an idea of what we want. It's easy to get caught up in something or someone just because we want that, and then leave Him out of the equation. Trying to squeeze God to make Him fit our plans never works out very well. 

Last night I wrote these words in my journal:
"What the heck is God doing? I want so badly to just know. To trust and believe and hope again. To be free from hurting and wondering and waiting. I want to be fulfilled by Him...tonight I just want to be secure and fulfilled again."

After I finished writing those words, I read this quote in the corner of my journal:
"The most difficult thing to let go of is my self, that self which, coddled and cozened, becomes smaller as it becomes heavier. I don't understand how and why I come to be only as I lose myself, but I know from long experience that this is so." (Madeleine L'Engle, author of A Wrinkle In Time)

As I read that, tears came to my eyes. I realized that the only way to be "fulfilled by Him" is to let Him fulfill me. He can't do something that I won't let Him do. It wasn't His fault that I wasn't fulfilled. As I sat on my bed, I picked up my iPod and clicked shuffle. I had no idea what song was going to come on, but the song that did come on sent me to my knees. As soon as I realized what it was, I started crying. 

"Yesterday I could not feel this
 Today I'm sick of trying 
 To live like I can live on my own
 This world around me is suffocating 
 I keep forgetting to turn and run to You.

 So find me, wherever I am, won't You find me?
 I got myself lost and I don't think I want to be roaming in heartache.
 Please find me tonight.

 I make it hard and I can't stand it
 Can't wrap my head around it 
 I wrestle with You more than I should
 I make a mess of everything but You see the best in me
 I'll never be too far gone. 

 So find me, wherever I am won't You find me?
 I got myself lost and I don't think I want to be roaming in heartache.
 Please find me tonight." 
(Lyrics by Everyday Sunday-Find Me Tonight)

I hadn't listened to that song in years. It had never made an impact on me. I thought it was a nice song, but that was it. But last night, it hit me and it hit me hard. I was on my knees, crying my eyes out, finally understanding that it's only when we lose ourselves that God can work. Only when we let go of what we want, can He give us what He has for us. Only when we realize just how sweet His love is can we really begin to be fulfilled. 

Friend, life isn't always easy. Sometimes it's hard, sometimes the growing hurts, sometimes relationships end, sometimes you wonder what God's doing...but just know that He is doing something even if you can't see it. God knows what He's doing and He never makes mistakes. 

Rest in Him today, friend. His love is so sweet and He will sustain you. And remember that:
 "... the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor & honor. No good thing will He withhold from those whose walk is blameless.”

(a special thanks to Mom for being such an amazing friend and mentor, Erin for sharing the verse with me, and my sisters for taking the pictures. :)

a post for Thomas

(I originally wrote this post a few weeks before Thomas' wedding. I shared some of it at the rehearsal dinner when I spoke, but now I think it's time for it to get published.)

 Dear Thomas,

Wow. You're 21 years old, and getting married. You've got a good job, a good girl, and a great God. He's doing crazy wonderful things in your life. I'm so proud of you and happy for you. But....

 you're getting married. How is that possible? You were just a little boy, teaching me how to walk Indian-style, and letting me go squirrel hunting with you and we were exploring the jungles of Africa together.

 Just yesterday (or so it seems) we were at Edisto Beach, and I accidentally almost drowned you. You were trying so hard to save my life, and I fell in the water, and pulled you in with me. Sorry about that, by the way. 
And that same day was the day that you went far out in the water, even though it was freezing cold (in February or March) and you were wearing a sweater, just so that you could save my favorite headband. You were my hero.

 Do you remember the picnic we had outside that windy winter day? We have pictures of it somewhere, but I couldn't find them. Remember the old cooler that we used as a table? That's one of my favorite memories.

Do you remember that time I shot at a squirrel? To this day, I claim I killed it. At the time, you said, "Nah, you didn't kill it. Even if you did, it doesn't count if you can't find it." Funny, it always counted when you couldn't find yours. :) 

Remember that time I was wearing your camouflage pants, and you left me sitting in Dad's driveway? You said, "I've gotta run in the woods, so you stay right here and don't leave, cause when I get back we're going to go have an adventure." I waited, but had to go to the bathroom so so bad! And you must remember how you came back and I had wet my pants. I mean, your pants. 

Remember the above picture? We had a sprinkler, and we held hands and ran 'round and 'round it.

 Do you remember those times you drove me home from Crossroads Choir, and how we would listen to Switchfoot, and you would be so silly? I loved every minute of those rides.

 Do you remember when you went to Washington that summer long ago, when we were little kids and I missed you so so much? And you sent me a postcard, which I still have. And then remember the summer not too long ago when you went to Washington again and I called you to tell you how much I missed you? I think I cried while on the phone with you.

 Remember when you went to South Africa? I was so proud of you for going to tell people about Jesus. When you came back, it was like Christmas morning. I just remember seeing you walking up the terminal and you were smiling so big, and I was crying, and finally meeting your eye and knowing that you were okay.

 Do you remember the day you and Becca got engaged? Of course you do. Such a great day, and yet, kind of sad, too.

 Remember when you went to FLOW in 2011? I sat in your bedroom almost every night, and looked at your Beatles' posters and your dirty socks on the floor and the guitar picks scattered here and there. I think I cried almost every night you were gone.

Remember last July when you moved out? You were really tricky and did so that we wouldn't really have to say goodbye. But I remember the first few days being so hard. I would walk into your room, and it wouldn't be your room anymore. And I remember having no one to stay up late with at night and listen to music and laugh so hard and maybe record some music and hearing cell phones ringing in the background because Becca would call. 

Do you remember the above picture? Mimi took it last Thursday night when you and Becca were at our house planning your rehearsal dinner. I wasn't home and missed seeing you. When I just found it in Picasa, my first thought was: "my boy is a grown-up man now." 

Thomas, we've known each other for a long time.  17 years, 8 months, and 18 days. So many memories, so many songs, so many times you've made me so angry I could spit and made me laugh in the next second. So many times I've cried because you weren't home. So many times you've said, "Jennifer, you've gotta here this song." So many times you've said, "Love you." So many hugs. So many late nights in your room. So many fights. 

You know what? I wouldn't change one minute of our friendship. Cause that's what we've got going on here, Thomas. It's a friendship that is going to last me a lifetime. It's a friendship that is real and true. I know that no matter what mistakes I make, you're still going to love me and encourage me and give me good advice. I know that no matter what stupid things you may do, you're still going to be my hero and my best friend. 

So thanks, Thomas. It's been a wild, crazy, fun-filled ride. I can't wait to see what the next 17 years hold. 

I love you.

-Jennifer