goodbye eighteen

I'm turning nineteen tomorrow. I'm leaving eighteen behind. and honestly, it makes me sad and I have cried about it.

so much has happened over the past year since I turned eighteen. the first few months of being eighteen were the absolute worst months of my life. I cried so much in those first few months, over personal issues, family issues, church issues. issues that no one outside of my immediate family knows about. issues that I couldn't tell other people about and issues that I didn't want to tell other people about. 

but then, when June came along, life got a hundred and eighty times better. in fact, the whole year got better. and I wouldn't change my eighteenth year for anything. because all those tears and rough days taught me lessons that I won't forget. 

they taught me to forgive, to move on, to depend on Jesus when others let you down. they taught me that my family loves me way more than I ever realized, that they will stand by me when the whole world is throwing stones. and honestly, it was worth it. 

bye, eighteen. thanks for the lessons. for the trip to slovakia. for the friendships formed. for the hours worth of good music. for the hugs. for the laughs. for the money made. for the delicious food. for the time spent with my favorite people.

thanks for being better than i had ever imagined.

home.

it's a nice place to be really. although I fell deeply in love with Slovakia, I did miss my family and all the craziness that goes along with having 7 younger siblings. 

          (the vbs camp in Slovakia.)

I cannot wait to tell you all about the trip and share lots and lots of pictures with y'all, but for now, I'm still trying to process my own thoughts. so just be super patient with me and I'll be back as soon as possible! 

  (pica, emily, me, david, hutch and paul)

 

have a great weekend friends and I'll hopefully be back next week! :)

xo,

Jennifer 

where you invest your love, you invest your life

As I told you in my last post, I've been doing the She Reads Truth: Hosea plan with some of my beautiful blogger friends. Loving it, too. It has been so amazing. 

Last night, I had gotten a little behind, so I played catch-up. I was listening to "Awake My Soul" by Mumford and Sons, and it just so happened that they used the lyrics in one of the readings! (Coincidence? I think not...) Here's some of my notes:

-"Come let us return to the Lord; for he has torn us, that he may heal us; he has struck us down, and he will bind us up." Jesus allows us to be broken. He helps us to realize just how much we need him. When we get to the point where we can't go on anymore, we understand that we are nothing without him. 

-This book is a beautiful picture of faithfulness. There is a bride, a bridegroom and the things that draw the bride away. She deserts her groom, leaves him behind but expects him to be there if she gets into any trouble. And the groom just stands there. He waits, watches, heals, restores and constantly loves. That is the story of the gospel. It is a story of redemption and restoration. It is a story of forgiveness and faithfulness. It is the story of how God never changes. 

"For every look you take at yourself, take ten looks at Christ. He is altogether lovely." -Robert Murray McCheyne

-The larger my view of sin, the larger my view of the cross. 

"Sow for yourselves righteousness; reap steadfast love...it is time to seek the Lord..."

"In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die

and where you invest your love, you invest your life.

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die

and where you invest your love, you invest your life."

Awake My Soul-Mumford and Sons

a little life update

HEY FRIENDS!

Wow. I wrote those really honest posts and then disappeared for a bit. Sorry about that. I have been super busy with life stuff for the past week. So let me just fill you in on some of what's going on in this girl's life. 

-I started the She Reads Truth Hosea plan. Y'all. It has been SO GOOD. It is such a beautiful picture of grace and redemption. But also a picture of what happens when we turn our backs on our Father. It has been such a good reminder that, even when I am faithless, He remains faithful because He cannot deny Himself.

-I've been hearing some amazing sermons! As some of you know, who follow Mom's blog or are personal friends, we left our church. We've been attending CBC of Savannah. IT IS AMAZING. The worship, the sermons, the people...everything. I recommend going to the churches website and listening to the sermons that Bill has been preaching for the past few weeks. There are incredible. 

-I've been realizing how darn lucky I am to have my older brothers. Seriously, y'all. They blow my mind. Here's example a:

That boy. I love him. He knew what I needed to hear that night. Blew me away. Blog post about that conversation coming sometime soon. 

And now example b:

That boy. He's my boss. And my hero. And my best friend. And he called me yesterday while I was in Wal-Mart. We talked about work stuff. And then he asked me how many days I was going to be gone to Slovakia. I told him and asked why he wanted to know. He wanted to know because he's writing me a note for every day I'm gone!! I melted into a puddle on the floor in Wal-Mart. Sweetest thing ever. (He's the same guy that texted me on Valentine's Day). :) I love that dude. 

-addressing, stamping, stuffing and sealing lots of envelopes. Like, 300 envelopes. Yeah. It was work stuff. I enjoy it though!

-obsessing over this little guy. Seriously, I can't stand that much cuteness.

Anyway. That about wraps it up for now. Hope that y'all are having a lovely weekend.

Be back soon! 

thoughts on the disciples and on God using us

In Sunday school for the past year or so, we've been studying the book of Luke. We took a break to work our way through "Not a Fan" by Kyle Idleman (more on that book some other time) and to do a couple of separate lessons. So, at this point we are in Luke 9. And I have loved every lesson. 

A few weeks ago, our lesson was about when Jesus sent out the disciples. You can read about this in Matthew 10, Mark 6, and Luke 9. Luke 9 says this:

"And He called the twelve together, and gave them power and authority 

over all the demons and to heal diseases. 

And He sent them out to proclaim the kingdom of God and to perform healing."

The disciples were sent out. They had been in kind of an internship. They had been training under Jesus. Don't know about you, but that would be the most awesome internship of all time. Unfortunately, I don't think that at the time they really got it. But anyway.

Its time for them to go out and see what they can do. Jesus gives them power and authority. He gives them the ability to cast out demons and perform healing. They are to proclaim the kingdom of God. Sounds possible, right?

There were a few conditions, though. Here's what Jesus said:

"Take nothing for your journey, neither a staff, nor a bag, nor

bread, nor money; and do not even have two tunics apiece. Whatever house

you enter, stay there until you leave that city. And as for those who do

not receive you, as you go out from that city, shake the dust of 

 your feet as a testimony against them."

They were going out. And they could take absolutely nothing with them. They couldn't take money or food; they weren't allowed to take a bag, or some extra clothes or even a walking stick. They had to completely trust the people they were ministering to for the things they would need. Sounds a little risky to me. I can just hear them thinking, "Dang, are we gonna be hungry? And how the heck are we going to cast out demons???!" 

As humans, our tendency is to immediately doubt. We want to be in control. We want to have some security. If it was me, I would be saying, "Okay, Jesus. But can I please have my purse. I mean, it has my wallet in it. And that has my money and my debit card. No? Well can I take my phone? Please??" Nothing in this sinful body wants to let go. It wants to be in control. I want to be in control. 

Not only were they having to totally let go, and trust that they would be taken care of, but they had to be on their guard. Jesus told them:

   "Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves;

be as shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves."

 They were about to face some serious persecution for the first time. Up to this point, all the darts had been pointed as Jesus, but now, they weren't going to be able to hide behind Him. They were going to be on their own. 

Remember this: these weren't well-spoken lawyers. These men were fisherman, tax collectors, and there was even a zealot in the group. Which leads me to a super quick side note: (rabbit trails, we call them in Sunday school. : )

Simon was a zealot. He is called that in the Gospels. He was one of the 12 men that followed Jesus around. Zealots were men who believed that the Messiah would come as a conquering hero and overthrow Rome with the sword. Then Jesus came. That is why most of the Jews didn't believe Him to really be the Messiah, because He wasn't coming as a king to free them of the shackles of Rome. And for one of His followers, He chose one of them. It makes me wonder what Simon originally thought of Jesus and how he felt when he found out that Jesus wasn't going to take Rome out. But back to the original thought...that being that...

these men weren't known for their eloquence. Peter usually spoke before he thought. John and James fought about sitting at the right and left hand of Jesus in Heaven. Matthew was a tax collector. (He probably wasn't looked upon with favor). Nathanael was known for his honesty. These men (and the others) were sent out to proclaim the kingdom of God.

Are you wondering what the whole point of this post is? Well, here it is:

God uses normal people.  

He uses fisherman and tax collectors and zealots and doctors (like Luke who wrote about this stuff : ) and carpenters and small-town girls like Mary. He uses shepherd boys and kings and little boys like Samuel. He uses those who choose to make themselves available to Him. He uses those who chose to deny themselves and take up their cross and follow Him. 

So, friend. Are you going to let Him use you? Are you going to let Him do something amazing through you? Or are you going to just sit back and let life completely pass you by and never do anything with your life? 

It's not all sunshine and roses. Following Him is tough. It gets hard. He lets us know that. He didn't beat around the bush. He told us we would be hated by men for His name. 

But...would you rather men hate you, or God be disappointed that you didn't let Him use you? 

As for me, I think I know what I'm going to choose.     

    

the hobbit, birthdays, christmas and other things

Hi! I pinky promise that I haven't forgotten about this here blog of mine. In fact, it has been very much on my mind lately. I've been thinking about writing and why I write and what I want to write about and when to write and all those fine details lately. I've come to a couple of conclusions that I'll share with you some time soon.

on to the past two weeks in review:

Tuesday, December 11th: we performed our annual Christmas program. I wrote a song about Mary and my siblings performed everything from James Taylor's Jingle Bells to The Jackson 5's Santa Claus Is Coming to Town.

That night we also celebrated mine and Michael's birthdays! Michael was born December 16th, and mine is the 15th. So we always celebrate together. It's special to me that our birthdays are close together.
I was given all my birthday presents that night. I. was. shocked. They gave me a 3 day trip to Savannah, GA with Mom!! We left on a Sunday (December 16th) after church, drove the hour to get there and stayed til Tuesday. Those three days involved: a photo shoot with a dear friend, Starbucks date with Becca, Barnes and Noble, Catholic church tour, more Starbucks, watching all of Gone With the Wind, lunch with Heather and baby Zeke, attending Catholic Mass, and then going to surprise Becca at the coffee shop she works at. It was so much fun. And I took minimum pictures. ;) sorry.

Friday, December 14th: Dad, Michael, Heather, Jamie and I went to see The Hobbit. Okay. Let's just say I was blown away. I'm a Lord of the Rings/The Hobbit fanatic. I have read the books several times, written a ballad based on the LOTR books, written music to one of J.R.R. Tolkien's poems...yeah, it runs deep. I was so nervous when the movie was starting, and, let's just be honest here, I cried. Yes I did. It was an amazing movie.

Saturday, December 15th: I turned 18. Enough said.

Sunday through Tuesday: (16th-18th) in Savannah

and then Saturday, December 22nd: saw the Hobbit again with three friends. It was so much fun. Then went Goodwill shopping with one of the friends. We had a blast. :) (Em, we definitely have to do it again!)

And then Christmas. And now here I am. Ready to get back to normal life. Ready to start writing again!

Have a great weekend, friends, and I'll see you soon!! :)

 

this girl (a post about me)

In only 17 more days, I will be 18 years old. That is freakily exciting. Scary and wonderful. Honestly, folks, it blows my mind. Tell me it blows your mind too so that I will feel better. (Mom, it doesn’t count for you. Of course it blows your mind that your baby girl will be 18 in only 17 days!) But seriously, I feel slightly intimidated, like I’m not ready to be eighteen.

I think my uncertainty about this age started when a certain boy had his 22nd a few weeks ago. We talked on his birthday about how 22 was so official and old and adultish... (not technically a word, but who cares?). He said, “Yeah, today just felt like a normal Wednesday. I got up, went to work and came home. It was uneventful.” We laughed about it and then he said, “It’s kind of like turning 35. Like my life is officially over.” It was a sarcastic comment, but it got me to thinking. That’s always dangerous.

I started thinking about growing up. Growing old. I know, I know. I’m not going to be ancient when this birthday comes around. But I’ll be 18! Thomas turned 22 this year. Michael will turn 25 the day after I turn 18. We’re all getting older. It’s crazy. Michael’s married and runs businesses and  has a kid. (and a cute kid at that). Thomas is married and living in Savannah and working and hiking mountains.

And then there’s me. 17-almost-18-year-old Jennifer Mole. A wannabe author. A girl who’s biggest dream is to get married and have babies. Someone who when she is at home with her siblings will blast the music and have a dance party in the kitchen. The girl who wishes she could sing like Whitney Houston, or play piano like Lionel Ritchie. 

The girl who loves loves loves old music, (go look up Sherry by Frankie Valli. You’ll love me.) and the colour blue and the smell of coffee and soft hair and hugs from her brothers and long talks with her mom and driving her car and cell phones and friends and role models and old black and white movies and TV shows and emails from friends who live far away. The girl who cries easily. 

The girl who loves hard and has given her heart away too often. The girl who feels like a hypocrite because she doesn’t live out some of the stuff she blogs about. The girl who reads minds and can tell when something is wrong with one of her friends. The girl who loves being around people. The girl with many friends. The girl who dislikes conflict but isn’t afraid of it. 

The girl who always speaks before she thinks and then ends up feeling bad later on. The girl who is discerning, but sometimes not discerning enough. The girl who gets irritated easily but can’t stay mad for long. The girl who absolutely cannot ignore a person. Doesn’t do the silent treatment. The girl who laughs really loud. The girl who isn’t at all afraid to speak her mind or tell a person what she thinks of them. 
The girl who has a reputation for being a talker, not a thinker. 

The girl who started a blog simply because her best friends begged her to. The girl who gives in easily. The girl who hates doing laundry and ironing but has conquered her hatred for washing dishes. The girl who has bad days. And I mean really bad ones. The girl who sometimes wonders if she will ever get married or be in a relationship or have a guy for her best friend.The girl who would die for her younger siblings, but has a hard time being nice to them on a daily basis. The girl who hates math. The girl who has a love affair with music. The girl who thinks her mom is the bomb. The girl who loves her daddy. 

The girl who loves Jesus more than anything else. The girl who will be 18 in only 17 more days. The girl who feels like she's only 8.

Yep. That's me. You probably just learned more about me in that post that you have in every other post I've ever written. Honesty isn't always easy, friend. Sometimes it means telling things about yourself that you might not want to share. But I promised myself I would always be honest on my blog. So there's my honesty for the day. 

Today remember that Jesus loves you just as you are. It's not based on anything you have done, but based on what He has done for you. He is good and His love endures forever. Have a good day, friend. 






 

thoughts on God's sweet love, fulfillment and finding yourself

God is good, friends. His love is so sweet. A dear friend of mine put it this way: "Weddings are sweet, but marriage is sweeter. Marriage is sweet, but Christ is sweeter still. Keep seeking and treasuring Him." I loved her words. We get so caught up in the moments of everyday life that we often miss out on who God is and what He has for us. My life has been like that lately. 

I've been caught up in a situation in my life. Caught up in making things happen, caught up in what I wanted and how I could get it. So caught up that I wasn't allowing God to work in me and through me. So caught up that I was missing on something sweet: His plan for me!

It's so easy to (conveniently) forget about His plan when we have an idea of what we want. It's easy to get caught up in something or someone just because we want that, and then leave Him out of the equation. Trying to squeeze God to make Him fit our plans never works out very well. 

Last night I wrote these words in my journal:
"What the heck is God doing? I want so badly to just know. To trust and believe and hope again. To be free from hurting and wondering and waiting. I want to be fulfilled by Him...tonight I just want to be secure and fulfilled again."

After I finished writing those words, I read this quote in the corner of my journal:
"The most difficult thing to let go of is my self, that self which, coddled and cozened, becomes smaller as it becomes heavier. I don't understand how and why I come to be only as I lose myself, but I know from long experience that this is so." (Madeleine L'Engle, author of A Wrinkle In Time)

As I read that, tears came to my eyes. I realized that the only way to be "fulfilled by Him" is to let Him fulfill me. He can't do something that I won't let Him do. It wasn't His fault that I wasn't fulfilled. As I sat on my bed, I picked up my iPod and clicked shuffle. I had no idea what song was going to come on, but the song that did come on sent me to my knees. As soon as I realized what it was, I started crying. 

"Yesterday I could not feel this
 Today I'm sick of trying 
 To live like I can live on my own
 This world around me is suffocating 
 I keep forgetting to turn and run to You.

 So find me, wherever I am, won't You find me?
 I got myself lost and I don't think I want to be roaming in heartache.
 Please find me tonight.

 I make it hard and I can't stand it
 Can't wrap my head around it 
 I wrestle with You more than I should
 I make a mess of everything but You see the best in me
 I'll never be too far gone. 

 So find me, wherever I am won't You find me?
 I got myself lost and I don't think I want to be roaming in heartache.
 Please find me tonight." 
(Lyrics by Everyday Sunday-Find Me Tonight)

I hadn't listened to that song in years. It had never made an impact on me. I thought it was a nice song, but that was it. But last night, it hit me and it hit me hard. I was on my knees, crying my eyes out, finally understanding that it's only when we lose ourselves that God can work. Only when we let go of what we want, can He give us what He has for us. Only when we realize just how sweet His love is can we really begin to be fulfilled. 

Friend, life isn't always easy. Sometimes it's hard, sometimes the growing hurts, sometimes relationships end, sometimes you wonder what God's doing...but just know that He is doing something even if you can't see it. God knows what He's doing and He never makes mistakes. 

Rest in Him today, friend. His love is so sweet and He will sustain you. And remember that:
 "... the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor & honor. No good thing will He withhold from those whose walk is blameless.”

(a special thanks to Mom for being such an amazing friend and mentor, Erin for sharing the verse with me, and my sisters for taking the pictures. :)

some pictures to make your Saturday happy (hopefully! :)

Here's some pictures for you to enjoy this Saturday!

Zeke!

ooohhh, wish I had one of those right now!

Madeline (Bubble) and me (Clank)

me and Jessie

classic roller coaster faces

piano lesson time!

yep. that's about right.

Have a happy weekend, friends! :) 

a post for Thomas

(I originally wrote this post a few weeks before Thomas' wedding. I shared some of it at the rehearsal dinner when I spoke, but now I think it's time for it to get published.)

 Dear Thomas,

Wow. You're 21 years old, and getting married. You've got a good job, a good girl, and a great God. He's doing crazy wonderful things in your life. I'm so proud of you and happy for you. But....

 you're getting married. How is that possible? You were just a little boy, teaching me how to walk Indian-style, and letting me go squirrel hunting with you and we were exploring the jungles of Africa together.

 Just yesterday (or so it seems) we were at Edisto Beach, and I accidentally almost drowned you. You were trying so hard to save my life, and I fell in the water, and pulled you in with me. Sorry about that, by the way. 
And that same day was the day that you went far out in the water, even though it was freezing cold (in February or March) and you were wearing a sweater, just so that you could save my favorite headband. You were my hero.

 Do you remember the picnic we had outside that windy winter day? We have pictures of it somewhere, but I couldn't find them. Remember the old cooler that we used as a table? That's one of my favorite memories.

Do you remember that time I shot at a squirrel? To this day, I claim I killed it. At the time, you said, "Nah, you didn't kill it. Even if you did, it doesn't count if you can't find it." Funny, it always counted when you couldn't find yours. :) 

Remember that time I was wearing your camouflage pants, and you left me sitting in Dad's driveway? You said, "I've gotta run in the woods, so you stay right here and don't leave, cause when I get back we're going to go have an adventure." I waited, but had to go to the bathroom so so bad! And you must remember how you came back and I had wet my pants. I mean, your pants. 

Remember the above picture? We had a sprinkler, and we held hands and ran 'round and 'round it.

 Do you remember those times you drove me home from Crossroads Choir, and how we would listen to Switchfoot, and you would be so silly? I loved every minute of those rides.

 Do you remember when you went to Washington that summer long ago, when we were little kids and I missed you so so much? And you sent me a postcard, which I still have. And then remember the summer not too long ago when you went to Washington again and I called you to tell you how much I missed you? I think I cried while on the phone with you.

 Remember when you went to South Africa? I was so proud of you for going to tell people about Jesus. When you came back, it was like Christmas morning. I just remember seeing you walking up the terminal and you were smiling so big, and I was crying, and finally meeting your eye and knowing that you were okay.

 Do you remember the day you and Becca got engaged? Of course you do. Such a great day, and yet, kind of sad, too.

 Remember when you went to FLOW in 2011? I sat in your bedroom almost every night, and looked at your Beatles' posters and your dirty socks on the floor and the guitar picks scattered here and there. I think I cried almost every night you were gone.

Remember last July when you moved out? You were really tricky and did so that we wouldn't really have to say goodbye. But I remember the first few days being so hard. I would walk into your room, and it wouldn't be your room anymore. And I remember having no one to stay up late with at night and listen to music and laugh so hard and maybe record some music and hearing cell phones ringing in the background because Becca would call. 

Do you remember the above picture? Mimi took it last Thursday night when you and Becca were at our house planning your rehearsal dinner. I wasn't home and missed seeing you. When I just found it in Picasa, my first thought was: "my boy is a grown-up man now." 

Thomas, we've known each other for a long time.  17 years, 8 months, and 18 days. So many memories, so many songs, so many times you've made me so angry I could spit and made me laugh in the next second. So many times I've cried because you weren't home. So many times you've said, "Jennifer, you've gotta here this song." So many times you've said, "Love you." So many hugs. So many late nights in your room. So many fights. 

You know what? I wouldn't change one minute of our friendship. Cause that's what we've got going on here, Thomas. It's a friendship that is going to last me a lifetime. It's a friendship that is real and true. I know that no matter what mistakes I make, you're still going to love me and encourage me and give me good advice. I know that no matter what stupid things you may do, you're still going to be my hero and my best friend. 

So thanks, Thomas. It's been a wild, crazy, fun-filled ride. I can't wait to see what the next 17 years hold. 

I love you.

-Jennifer