goodbye eighteen

I'm turning nineteen tomorrow. I'm leaving eighteen behind. and honestly, it makes me sad and I have cried about it.

so much has happened over the past year since I turned eighteen. the first few months of being eighteen were the absolute worst months of my life. I cried so much in those first few months, over personal issues, family issues, church issues. issues that no one outside of my immediate family knows about. issues that I couldn't tell other people about and issues that I didn't want to tell other people about. 

but then, when June came along, life got a hundred and eighty times better. in fact, the whole year got better. and I wouldn't change my eighteenth year for anything. because all those tears and rough days taught me lessons that I won't forget. 

they taught me to forgive, to move on, to depend on Jesus when others let you down. they taught me that my family loves me way more than I ever realized, that they will stand by me when the whole world is throwing stones. and honestly, it was worth it. 

bye, eighteen. thanks for the lessons. for the trip to slovakia. for the friendships formed. for the hours worth of good music. for the hugs. for the laughs. for the money made. for the delicious food. for the time spent with my favorite people.

thanks for being better than i had ever imagined.

this girl (a post about me)

In only 17 more days, I will be 18 years old. That is freakily exciting. Scary and wonderful. Honestly, folks, it blows my mind. Tell me it blows your mind too so that I will feel better. (Mom, it doesn’t count for you. Of course it blows your mind that your baby girl will be 18 in only 17 days!) But seriously, I feel slightly intimidated, like I’m not ready to be eighteen.

I think my uncertainty about this age started when a certain boy had his 22nd a few weeks ago. We talked on his birthday about how 22 was so official and old and adultish... (not technically a word, but who cares?). He said, “Yeah, today just felt like a normal Wednesday. I got up, went to work and came home. It was uneventful.” We laughed about it and then he said, “It’s kind of like turning 35. Like my life is officially over.” It was a sarcastic comment, but it got me to thinking. That’s always dangerous.

I started thinking about growing up. Growing old. I know, I know. I’m not going to be ancient when this birthday comes around. But I’ll be 18! Thomas turned 22 this year. Michael will turn 25 the day after I turn 18. We’re all getting older. It’s crazy. Michael’s married and runs businesses and  has a kid. (and a cute kid at that). Thomas is married and living in Savannah and working and hiking mountains.

And then there’s me. 17-almost-18-year-old Jennifer Mole. A wannabe author. A girl who’s biggest dream is to get married and have babies. Someone who when she is at home with her siblings will blast the music and have a dance party in the kitchen. The girl who wishes she could sing like Whitney Houston, or play piano like Lionel Ritchie. 

The girl who loves loves loves old music, (go look up Sherry by Frankie Valli. You’ll love me.) and the colour blue and the smell of coffee and soft hair and hugs from her brothers and long talks with her mom and driving her car and cell phones and friends and role models and old black and white movies and TV shows and emails from friends who live far away. The girl who cries easily. 

The girl who loves hard and has given her heart away too often. The girl who feels like a hypocrite because she doesn’t live out some of the stuff she blogs about. The girl who reads minds and can tell when something is wrong with one of her friends. The girl who loves being around people. The girl with many friends. The girl who dislikes conflict but isn’t afraid of it. 

The girl who always speaks before she thinks and then ends up feeling bad later on. The girl who is discerning, but sometimes not discerning enough. The girl who gets irritated easily but can’t stay mad for long. The girl who absolutely cannot ignore a person. Doesn’t do the silent treatment. The girl who laughs really loud. The girl who isn’t at all afraid to speak her mind or tell a person what she thinks of them. 
The girl who has a reputation for being a talker, not a thinker. 

The girl who started a blog simply because her best friends begged her to. The girl who gives in easily. The girl who hates doing laundry and ironing but has conquered her hatred for washing dishes. The girl who has bad days. And I mean really bad ones. The girl who sometimes wonders if she will ever get married or be in a relationship or have a guy for her best friend.The girl who would die for her younger siblings, but has a hard time being nice to them on a daily basis. The girl who hates math. The girl who has a love affair with music. The girl who thinks her mom is the bomb. The girl who loves her daddy. 

The girl who loves Jesus more than anything else. The girl who will be 18 in only 17 more days. The girl who feels like she's only 8.

Yep. That's me. You probably just learned more about me in that post that you have in every other post I've ever written. Honesty isn't always easy, friend. Sometimes it means telling things about yourself that you might not want to share. But I promised myself I would always be honest on my blog. So there's my honesty for the day. 

Today remember that Jesus loves you just as you are. It's not based on anything you have done, but based on what He has done for you. He is good and His love endures forever. Have a good day, friend.